Talk to me Big Papi, whisper those sweet nothings into my ear. Purr and roll your r’s when you call me En Espanol. Make me forget I hate the Red Sox when you mention my “De Ojos Sexy”. Oh god, my cheeks are already “rosa” from thinking about your smooth voice on the phone.
And Cal, you old fox you. What would the misses say if she knew about our little midday chats?
Derek, is it true? You really say, “Pick me, I won’t let you down” when I wiggle your little bobblehead? Promise? Or do you say that to all the sailors that shake you just the right way?
Ladies, let’s break down what we can get some of our finest hotties to talk about when they call thanks to fine people at Varitalk, MLB, and XM Radio.
- David “Big Papi” Ortiz
- - Can split hairs between “Got Married” and “Got Married for the First Time”.
- Puts marriage in the same catagory as naming one’s cat.
- Thinks that an “Attractive Family Member” might be the one sending out this phone call.
- – Identifies that in any group, there is one “Girl with the better spouse”. Meow!
- Understands the ladies, because Ortiz mentions several different eating disorders as signs of unhappiness.
- Thinks “rescuing kittens” is a good vacation. (Ortiz certainly has kitty on the brain.)
- His accent makes “XM” sound dirty, like “S-M Radio”.
Cal “Ironman” Ripken
- Can tell the difference between a plain old “Baseball Journalist” and fancy pants “National Baseball Journalist”.
-Makes sure to cover “Goat Herding” and “Babysitting” in his legions of fans. (Kind of creepy, unless you babysit goats.)
- Does not completely choke on the word “Doll”.
- Just a touch of snarkiness in his voice when he says “last place” and “Pirates”.
- Like any man his age, has the fewest options to choose from.
- Derek Jeter
- -Considers “Hairdressers” a significant portion of the people making these calls to their “Amigas”.
- Suggests such sexy items as “Team Pajamas” and “Giant Foam Fingers” as hot things to wear to the “Sauna”. Sounds like this lady’s lucky day.
- Brings up “waxing eyebrows”, “selling lemonade”, and “hang window treatments” as chores to do around the house. (Or were those terms to be added to the Urban Dictionary?)
- Is a giver and receiver, because you can also “Give a Pedicure” or “Get a Pedicure” with Derek. He should call the boys from KissingSuzyKolber for color advice.
- Sounds adorable when he says, “Pup Tent”.
You can go make your own audio Mad-Libs at this website , and see how often you can annoy your friends, enemies, and frenemies with Major League Baseball’s finest calling them every ten minutes.