Ladies… Look at Touch

MLB’s favorite arm candy Alyssa Milano has designed a new line for MLB, Touch. It’s not like she has anything else to do, right? (Wait, I say arm candy like it’s a bad thing! Who among us wouldn’t want to date Carl Pavano, Barry Zito or Brad Penny?) Ms. Milano knows that as fun as it is to go the park to scope out the hotties, it’s also important for a Lady… to look good doing so.

Join me as I review Touch…

There are five basic items of clothing in the line (if it’s only five, does it qualify as a line? Whatever): a T shirt, a tank top, a a short sleeve hoodie, a long sleeve hoodie, and a pair of jeans. 

We’ll start with the jeans (AKA the ugliest item of clothing):

These jeans are fug. I mean, look at them! They’re certainly no Seven or Paper Denim & Cloth. Those pockets are going to make even the smallest ass look wide. These jeans scream Jersey mall rat (and I know me some Jersey mall rats!). They retail for $64.99 (or $40 more than I would pay for them if I didn’t find them hideous).

This is the rhinestone foil v-neck top (sounds like something a 63 year-old would wear to a buffet in Vegas) is actually kind of cute. Of course, if you’re going to wear this to the ballpark, you better keep the accessories simple. And you need a little makeup to balance the glitz. This tee is better for a night game, especially one where you’ll be bar-hopping afterwards (for example, the Deadspin East Coast Pants Party, on Friday, June 22nd, at Shea – just sayin’). I think our resident Cards fan would look fabulous in this tee. (And I really like the Mets version.) This top sells for $49.99.

Here’s the tank top. What I like: the simplicity of the front – nice clean design, just the logo (in the team’s colors and no bullshit pink), and it has a shelf bra! Good job on that. What I don’t like: I’m not crazy about the criss-cross straps. I think the top would’ve been better without the net of straps. It makes the top look tacky. This top sells for $29.99, which is okay.

This was my favorite item: the short sleeve French terry hoodie. I love the blue that they use for the Mets version. It would look so good with a ribbed tank top and khaki shorts. Or with some dark rinse jeans (not the ones above!). I think I’m buying this (to wear to the East Coast Pants Party on June 22nd at Shea – what?!). Although I think it’s a bit pricey, at $49.99.

This would be cute if she had a tank top on underneath (I know most male and lesbian readers just disagreed with me). I like the colors used, and the design. It looks like it’d fit a woman’s curves nicely, instead of the hoodies that seem to be designed to cover any signs of being female. Guys, you like to see our female signs, no? This hoodie sells at $49.99.

And since I’m covering clothes, I may as well share my favorite tee shirt by Soft As A Grape:

It looks like a plain tee with the Mets logo, you say? That’s exactly why I like it. No pink (blech), no busy patterns, just the logo, on a great-fitting white tee. It’s classic and it was cheap – $22.99. And they have it for most, if not all, teams (and no, I’m not going back to the Modell’s page to look it up).

All in all, I like the idea of MLB trying to reach out to more female fans through cute clothes – and thankfully, there is no bullshit pink. However, we don’t really need glitz for the ballpark. All we ask for are well-cut clothes, that don’t swallow up our curves, in our team’s colors.

Is that too much to ask for?

Oh, and the Touch line is only available for fans of the following teams: Angels, Athletics, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Giants, Mets, Red Sox, Reds, Tigers, and Yankees. The rest of you? Well, to hell with y’all. You’re a fan of a team Alyssa doesn’t care about.

[Alyssa Milano debuts clothing line]