ACC In Progress Panty Raid

Wasn’t it the Full House theme song that started
What ever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy, or the A-C-C?

Let’s get to it…and we’re starting with my school.

#11 Wake Forest 114
#6 Georgia Tech 112 (2 OT)
Deacons walk-on Mike Lepore said that his favorite quote by coach Skip Prosser was “Don’t worry about us being good”. That’s something that the Deacons obviously took to heart this season as they teeter on the edge of their first losing season since 1990. Author’s note: I wrote that before the game yesterday, when I was thinking “Fuck it, we’re a football school now” and making out with a newspaper clipping about QB Riley Skinner.

Sophomore guard Harvey Hale scored 21 of his 22 points in overtime to lead the Deacs to a 2OT win over the Yellowjackets. Hale said he chose Wake Forest to “get away from New Mexico”. The Land of Enchantment sometimes called him in the middle of the night, breathing heavily and asking “Hey baby, you want me to make you feel good?”

The Demon Deacon mascot comes from Wake’s previous affiliation with the Baptist church. It is no longer a Baptist college so the students are free to dance, a mixed blessing considering that the campus is predominantly white.

Georgia Tech’s Jeremis Smith scored ten points last night and the author of his bio takes note of Smith’s big hands, big feet, and that his nickname is Big Worm. Jesus, we get it.

Confidential to Jeremis Smith: Call me.

If you’re over the age of 80, there are three things you’re familiar with: liver spots, toilets with handles, and the lyrics to the “The Ramblin’ Wreck From Georgia Tech”.

I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer,
A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer,

That’s great, sir. You’re not much of a wordsmith though.

#12 Miami 67
#5 Maryland 62
Should we have seen it coming? During the season, the ACC-worst Canes had losses to Buffalo, Binghamton, and The University of Phoenix-Online but they did beat then #25 Maryland in College Park, holding the Terps to 22% shooting. Miami pulled off the upset again yesterday behind sophomore guard Jack “Apples” McClinton’s 17 points and despite dressing only 8 scholarship players, due to injuries and—because it’s Miami—suspensions.

From left-to-right, Denis Clemente was suspended for the third straight game and is potentially Xanax-and-bourbon hot.
Former American Idol contestant Justin Guarini had 9 points, 5 blocks, and sang one song from the upcoming “From Justin to Kelly 2: Electric Boogaloo”.
Fabio Ness leads the band of the Undead who walk the earth and feast on the brains of the innocent.
Adrian Thomas has been out for the season, due to the fact that he doesn’t have ears.

From the University’s cheerleading requirements: “Men should be athletic and able to bench press at least 200 lbs, tumbling experience is a big benefit, but not a requirement. You will also be taught how to stunt, throw basket tosses and build pyramids.” I’ve already pasted those two sentences on my match.com profile. If you’re interested in, um, stunting and tumbling, send me an email.

Maryland came into the tournament yesterday with a seven game win-streak. They’re currently ranked #20 but the first round loss surely affected their NCAA seeding. Maryland’s terrapin mascot is named Testudo, which sounds like an all-male a cappella group. Fitting, since their website says that he had his coming out in 1933. The diamondback terrapin is the state reptile of Maryland. Here in North Carolina, the state reptile is Mike Nifong.

#10 NCSU 85
#7 Duke 80 (OT)
It’s common knowledge in the south that if someone has an NC State shirt, they most likely attended college there, because if they wanted to pretend they went to college, they’d wear Carolina gear. And by “the south”, I mean “my apartment”. That said, there will probably be several more people wearing bright red for casual Friday after State’s upset of the Blue Devils. Duke beat the crap out of State during the regular season, when the Pack was without Istanbul-not-Constantinople native Engin Atsur, who dropped 21 last night.

Freshman guard Trevor Ferguson, who did not play last night, apparently earned a 5th year of high school because he broke both wrists on a dunk attempt. First, I can’t believe that someone would admit that. Next, I can’t believe it’s not on YouTube. Finally, you’re full of shit, Trevor. I know several kids who “earned” an extra year of high school, usually because they’d “won” another year of illiteracy. I hope to God your parents didn’t believe that.

Despite their loss, I would like to commend the Blue Devils on the dapper prom photos that accompany their roster. I tried to find a crushworthy Devil that wasn’t Gerald Henderson, but I couldn’t. Jon Scheyer was a close second but I’m not attracted to a guy whose Adam’s apple is larger than my breasts. So Gerald it is, even though I’d still rather have sex with a forest fire than with a Dukie.

Psst…overprivileged white kids! Have you dreamed of playing basketball? Hell, have you wanted to play something other than mahjong with your housekeepers? You still have a chance to make the Duke team, even though you couldn’t walk on without having an asthma attack. Coach Krzyzyzyzyzyzyewqwardfsjki may be in the Kid Business, but he’s also in the business of letting you, your spindly rich people legs, and your daddy’s perfect credit rating sit on his bench. Join Joe Pagliuca whose dad co-owns the Boston Celtics, Nick Sutton (whose father is CEO of an oil company) and 5’11” guard Griffin Tourmey (whose dad founded the Maggiano’s restaurant chain) and sit almost as close to the action as your parents do, thanks to their generous donation to the University’s general scholarship fund.

#9 FSU 67
#8 Clemson 66
Even though the NCAA has tried to prevent teams with Native American mascots from playing in the postseason, the Seminoles are exempt from that ruling. According to the NCAA, Florida State’s Chief Osceola is not on the list of banned symbols because of the university’s respect and sensitivity toward the Seminole tribe. Respect. Right. That’s exactly what I think when I see a guy named Andy dressed up like an Indian.

Florida State has never won two games in the ACC tournament, but after yesterday they’re halfway there. The ACC’s leading scorer, senior Al Thornton, dropped a double-double on the Tigers yesterday.

Poor Clemson. This is the 5th straight time the Tigers have lost in the ACC tournament despite being the higher seeded team. The Tigers’ 21 wins this season are the most for the school in ten years and yeah, Clemson is crazy for statistics. They even keep stats on their mascots, which is what you do when you, say, have a lot of free time in the postseason. The Tiger career pushup leader is Mike Bays with 2,216. The Tiger also wears a size 28 shoe and can make personal appearances for $60. Ladies…

Poor AJ Tyler. If the most notable thing listed on your bio is your mother’s college track and field career, perhaps its time you took that PRTM major—whatever the hell that is—and moved on.

#4 Boston College

Take a look at Anthony Aiello and Brian Boyle. Now that’s what I’m talking about. 345 pounds of combined hotness. No, they don’t play basketball and no, I don’t care. The only semi-looker on the basketball team is Tyler Neville, who’s getting his Master’s Degree in English, which I’ve never understood. I’m pretty sure corporate America already knows you can read and write by the time you get out of college, unless you went to Clemson.

Senior forward Jared Dudley was named ACC Player of the Year and is also the team’s leading rebounder. The Eagles play Miami today and will try to beat the Canes for the 3rd time this season.

#3 Virginia Tech

The Hokies have three players who are majoring in “Apparel, Housing, and Resources”, which sounds like bullshit. These guys are studying Clothing, Shelter, and Food because apparently at Virginia Tech you can major in Survivor. Chris Tucker studies crop and soil science, which I’m pretty sure involves a grow light, some Widespread Panic bootlegs, and a poster of a monkey sitting on a toilet. Coincidentally, I’m applying to their masters program.

Senior guard Jamon Gordon was named the ACC’s Defensive Player of the Year and his teammate on the All-Defensive Team, Zabian Dowdell was the top scorer in 20 of the Hokies’ 30 games. Today Virginia Tech faces Wake Forest, who they beat by 3 during the regular season.

Finally, at the university store, you can buy a Virginia Tech toothbrush, which would look fantastic on your vanity beside your Virginia Tech birth control, also known as your diploma.

#2 University of Virginia

I so resisted the urge to quote Train’s “Meet Virginia” for this preview. Although that may be how I start propositioning men for sex. “So, um, would you like to come upstairs and, uh, meet Virginia?” I’m talking to you, Ryan Petinella. The Cavaliers—who swept the season series—play NC State this afternoon.

Oh yeah, this will totally work.“Meet Virginia/ She never compromises, loves babies and surprises”. Um. Maybe I’ll save that part of the song for my date with Tom Brady.

#1 University of North Carolina

According to Wikipedia, “For a while during and after the civil war, the nickname Tar Heel was still used as an insult, similar to how the nickname white trash is used today, but starting in 1864, the term began to be used as a source of pride.” So buck up, trailer dwellers. One day you too could be fellated by Billy Packer and see your merchandise sold in every Wal-Mart from Maine to Mexico.

The Tarheels earned the #1 seed for the 20th time but the last time they won as a #1 was 1982 when you-know-who was on the team. The biggest question today is whether or not the broken nose and protective face mask will affect 22-year-old sophomore/resident Big Dumb Animal Tyler Hansbrough. Of course, when they asked Tyler what he thought about the mask, he said “Orange donkey funny mommy” and then ran through a wall. The Heels play Florida State today. Carolina beat them during the regular season and leads the all-time series 35-8.

I hope today’s games are as good as yesterday’s, which left me doing my best Uncle Jesse impression. I grew a mullet, wrote some jingles, and shouted “Have mercy” repeatedly, much to the amusement of the studio audience.

Confidential to Jeremis Smith: No, really. Call me.