… in which the post author confesses that she has a crush on an unusual athlete, and attempts to justify the unjustifiable.
ROGER CLEMENS EDITION
Rocket at Yanks game yesterday. Yes, he’s talking to Joe Torre.
So here’s the thing: I have a huge crush on Roger Clemens. Like, I would have his babies Giselle/Bridget-style, and I don’t even really like kids. Although I would not classify him as “hot”, he is incredibly sexy – and I would pick him over almost all the baseball players actually in my own age bracket. I think I can point to four reasons why.
1. He is a Longhorn. And I am nothing if not a giant homer. He won my school a national championship- that alone makes him a lifetime 10. Even more, he’s as big of a Texas homer as I am- he wears Texas gear constantly, he forces his children to enroll there, he goes to football and baseball games all the time… his giant gymnasium at his compound in Houston has a massive longhorn over the door, and longhorn crap all over the inside. I feel confident that if we were to have a homer-off, he’d win- which (as anyone who is an obsessive homer for any team will know) is a huge turn-on. We could go to Texas games (football, baseball, basketball- whatever), and make fun of the opposing teams and scream insults at them.
Texas uniform = automatic 50 points hottness bonus
2. He is awesome. Hall of Famer (no-brainer there). Seven-time Cy Young award winner. 300+ wins. 4,604 strikeouts (second only to my other sports crush, Nolan Ryan). Two-time World Series champion. 11-time All-Star. Probably the greatest pitcher playing the game.
Wipe that face off your head, batter.
3. He has attitude. He will kick your ass. Not just at the plate- where he’s more than willing to buzz your head- but he generally doesn’t take any shit from anybody. He is unapologetically asshattish at times, and he doesn’t care who doesn’t like it. He wants what we wants when he wants it… and generally, people jump to make that happen. That’s kind of awesome.
Roger does not have time for your stupid shit.
4. He is stacked. I don’t like beanpoles, and Rocket is most definitely not one of those. 6’4″, 235 (ok, ESPN, that’s being a bit generous…) – yes, please. I mean, broad chest, big arms, muscular thighs and a foot taller than me? With the bonus points when he’s a baseball uniform (especially the Astros variety), he’s officially off the charts.
So there it is, my not-so-secret shame. I have a crush on Roger Clemens, and I don’t care who knows it.